Monday 3 December 2012

Beginner's Guide to Relationships

Beginner's Guide to Relationships

Relationships make the world go around. There is just something wonderful about being with someone you love. But, for a beginner a relationship can be intimidating. Many people worry about scaring the opposite sex away with their talk of commitment and love. All too often, beginners are scared of having feelings for another person; scared that they'll get hurt or rejected. It's completely understandable to be afraid. No one likes rejection and no one likes to express their feelings for someone only to find out that the other person doesn't feel the same way. The following guide is meant to help people get over their fear of relationships and go from a beginner to a pro.

Tip #1: Don't Be Intimidated

Asking someone out on a date can be intimidating. You might panic thinking about where the relationship might lead. You might also become intimidated at the thought of rejection. Don't let any of this stop you. If you want to be in a relationship, you must get over the feeling of intimidation and ask someone out on a date.

Tip #2: Don't Let Rejections Stop You

Never let rejection stop you. If someone tells you that they don't want to go out on a date, that's fine. Find someone else to ask. Your first date may not be the person of dreams, but it helps to get your out there and get over being a beginner when it comes to relationships.

Tip #3: Try to Stay Calm on Your First Date

Once you've found someone that you think is perfect for you, don't get nervous on the date. When you're nervous you'll say things that you'll regret. You may even scare your date by telling them how much you like them on your first date. Instead, keep the date casual and of course end the date with a kiss and nothing more.

Tip #4: Call When You Say You Will

Being a beginner, you may be intimated to call after you first date, but you said you would. If you ever tell someone you'll call, then do so. If you wait to call, because you're scared, that person may not wait around for you to get over your anxiety. Pick up the phone and make the call.

Tip #5: Tell Them How You Feel

After the first few dates, you will start to see where the relationship is going. This is a good time to tell your partner how you feel about them. Tell them why you like them. Explain to them why you're attracted to them.

Tip #6: Don't Come on Too Strong

Whatever you do, don't come on too strong. After only a few dates, it's great to tell someone you like their eyes or their smile, but to tell them you love them might be a bit too much. Some people will be thrilled, others will want to run. Remember, you're just a beginner to relationships, so take it slow and don't scare them off by coming on too strong.

Tip #7: Discuss Important Issues

There will come a time in the relationship when you will want to discuss important issues. The way to handle these important issues is to talk about them casually. Don't discuss it like you're directly asking them the questions. Instead say things like, "My sister just had her first baby. She's so cute. What do you think about kids?" This way you get their opinion without them thinking you are directly asking them if they want to have kids.

Tip #8: Don't Rush Things

All too often, beginners rush into relationships. After not even a year of being in a relationship, they get engaged and married. This may be the reason so many people get divorced. If you really care about this person don't rush the relationship. At least wait a year before deciding to get married. This really will be the best thing for your relationship.

Making Positive Changes

Making Positive Changes

We often assume we know all there is to know about our partners, but people can change over time. It is very easy to lose that connection, and not know where our partner is at now, or who they are now. In order to maintain or re-establish a connection with your partner, you could:
  • take time to care for your relationship
  • look at what is happening in the relationship
  • stay curious (but respectful) about each other
  • listen, and communicate your needs

How can I improve my relationship?

You might ask yourself how you would like your relationship to be different. If you know, then commit yourself to making the changes you need to make. One small change can sometimes make a difference to a lot of big things. Relationships need to be looked after and need commitment from both parties.

Here are some ideas for nurturing  your relationship

  • greet each other at the end of the day and talk about your day
  • spend time alone together
  • develop common interests
  • really listen, and try to understand each other
  • tell your partner when you are happy and unhappy about something – honestly and respectfully and encourage your partner to do the same
  • celebrate with your partner
  • try to find solutions that are suitable for both of you
  • express affection
  • notice the small attempts by your partner for connection and show appreciation for them.

What can I do to improve my relationship?

Here are some additional ideas for improving your relationship:
  • be supportive; try not to make judgements when your partner makes mistakes, or does things differently from how you would do them
  • be there for each other, in the good and the challenging times
  • ask for help when you cannot cope with a situation
  • share the load - agree on who will do what in the household and to what standard
  • allow yourself and your partner the right to put up your feet and relax
  • make time specifically for yourself - soak in a bath, read, listen to music, talk on the phone to friends, exercise  - and encourage your partner to do the same
  • respect and accept your differences and your similarities
  • take responsibility for your actions.

10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

10 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Having a happy marriage doesn’t necessarily come easily just because you love each other. While love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn’t enough and you have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship. Open communication and careful consideration of each others feelings are two of the emotional aspects that are key to a happy marriage. Even more mundane details such a household responsibilities and financial understanding can factor into the state of the marriage. It is imperative to understand that a marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in all of its capacities in order to be successful.

Being willing to make sacrifices is one secret to a happy marriage. Both partners in the marriage must be prepared to put their partner’s happiness ahead of their own from time to time for the marriage to truly work. If either partner is completely self centered and unwilling to make sacrifices it will create resentment in the marriage. At times the sacrifices may be big but most often it’s the smaller things that matter most. Even preparing a dish that you don’t like but that you know your spouse likes lets your partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times.

While making sacrifices is important in a happy marriage, it is also important to sometimes do things that are just for you. It’s great to have a lot of common interests but it’s also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own. Having some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in awhile and gives you a chance realize how much you miss them when you are apart. It also gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the relationship.

Another secret to a happy marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate relationship. Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy. Even small gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse on a daily basis.

Finances can cause a great deal of stress in a marriage so it is important to do your best to ensure that you do not allow your financial situation to destroy your marriage. When financial concerns arise it is important to discuss the problems so that both partners are aware of what is going on and to work on establishing a budget together. Working together on this issue will make sure that neither partner feels left out of the decision making process and neither partner bears the stress of worrying about finances on their own.

Sharing household responsibilities is another secret to a happy marriage. If either partner feels as though they are taking on too much responsibility in the household it can lead to resentment. Not only does sharing these responsibilities prevent resentment but it also gives the couple an opportunity to work as a team which strengthens their bond. Both partners need to take an active role in completing household chores and let their partner know if they are beginning to feel overburdened.

Open and honest communication is also necessary for a happy marriage. Without communication the relationship will continually struggle. It’s important to be honest with your partner and share your concern and to listen to what your partner has to say and make an effort to understand their point of view. Communicating about problems and concerns is important but it’s also important to communicate about your aspirations and even your daily lives. All of these types of communication bring a couple closer together and foster a happy marriage.


Along the lines of open communication, it’s also important that you let your partner know if they have said or done some thing to hurt you. Failure to do so will allow the problem to continue to cause problems in the marriage. If you bottle up your feelings your partner will be unaware of what they have done to hurt you and may be likely to repeat their actions. You also may begin to avoid your partner because you are angry and you don’t want to start a confrontation. Your partner in turn may sense you behaving differently and be annoyed by your behavior. Simply coming out and telling your partner why you are upset can help you avoid this unnecessary host of problems.

Understanding that you and your partner won’t always be in complete agreement is also critical to a happy marriage. While you may agree on a lot of things it’s unrealistic to believe that you and your partner will be in sync at all times. Its okay to disagree sometimes as long as you respect each other’s feelings and beliefs and do not think that any one disagreement will be the end of the relationship.

Spontaneity is also an important part of a happy marriage. Allowing yourselves to fall into a predictable pattern can lead to boredom but being spontaneous at times will prevent boredom from setting in and keep the relationship interesting.

Finally, remembering why you married your spouse is one of the most important secrets of a happy marriage. Always remembering what it is about your partner that drew you to them will make certain that you never forget your love for your partner. It will also ensure that they are always beautiful in your eyes. Many things may change throughout the course of your marriage but the one thing that will always remain is the reason you fell in love in the first place.

A happy marriage is not guaranteed no matter how much the partners love each other. There are so many variables that can have an affect on the happiness and success of the marriage. It is important that both partners realize that they must continuously work on all of these aspects if they want their marriage to remain a happy and healthy relationship.


10 Ways to Meet New People Without Even Trying

10 Ways to Meet New People Without Even Trying

Meeting new people doesn’t have to involve a conscious effort. Just participating in activities you enjoy or running daily errands can lead to meeting new people without even trying. Of course, if your favorite activity is watching television it is unlikely that this will lead you to meeting new people unless you watch television in a public place instead of your home. Anytime you are out in public you are bound to meet new people without even trying.

A weekly grocery shopping trip can lead to meeting new people without even trying. Even this mundane chore gives you the opportunity to meet new people. Even if you shop in the middle of the night you are likely to not be the only person in the store and can wind up meeting someone new. You may be the only customer in the store but surely there will be store employees present. The cashier may strike up a casual relationship while they are ringing up your order and this could lead to the effortless start of a relationship with someone new.

Another errand that may result in you meeting new people without even trying is taking a trip to a bank. You will most likely encounter long lines and a significant wait. Rather than keeping to yourself, speak to those around you and you may find yourself meeting new people without even trying. While many people may be annoyed by the long lines, many others will be thankful for your starting a conversation because it offers them a distraction and a way to pass the time.

Participating in group exercise classes at a gym can also help you meet new people without trying. You are unlikely to meet someone new if you put on your headphones and hop onto an individual cardio machine but if you join a group class you will probably end up meeting some new people without even trying. The class automatically gives you something in common and if you can’t find anything else to talk about, griping about the intensity of the class is always a good ice breaker.

Those with children can find themselves meeting new people all the time without even trying. Children are incredibly social and often befriend most if not all of the kids in your neighborhood. While you may have not yet met all the neighbors you may find that your child has. If they have been making friends with other kids in the neighborhood, invite some of the other parents and children over for a play group and you will have the opportunity to meet the other adults while the kids play.

If your child is into sports, you can consider coaching a team that they are a member of in order to meet new people. The parents of the other kids will most likely attend games and practices and as the coach you will get the chance to meet all the parents at these games and practices. While your focus will be on the kids, the natural level of parental involvement will result in you meeting new people without really trying.

Taking a job where you interact with people such as customer service or retail is another way to meet people without even trying. Your job will put you in contact with many different people each day and each new person gives you the opportunity to strike up a conversation that may blossom into a relationship.

Attending religious services is another way to meet new people without even trying. At the start of many religious services the attendees are invited to greet those sitting around them. Most people simply offer a friendly hello but you are certainly welcome to introduce yourself and offer some basic information about yourself. If your neighbor responds affirmatively and offers additional information you can take this as an indication that they may be willing to begin a relationship. You may wait until the conclusion of the service and then ask the person if they would like to continue the conversation you started over a cup of coffee.

Still another way to meet new people without even trying is to volunteer for a charitable cause that you support. Your volunteer effort will put you in contact with like minded individuals who share your passion for the cause. As anyone who has ever volunteered can attest, it is virtually impossible to not be pulled into many aspects of the volunteer effort. As you become more involved you will likely end up serving on different committees and meeting new people without even trying.

Joining a club is another way to meet people without even trying. If you enjoy biking, try joining a club that meets for weekly cycling rides. There may be regulars on these rides and getting involved will lead to you meeting these people. Additionally there will probably be at least a few new people every week so you will be meeting new people just about every week.

If you take a class related to one of your interests, you may find yourself meeting new people who share your interest without even trying. A classroom setting gives students a chance to mingle before and after class and sometimes to interact during class. You will already have a common interest so use the class to form a bond with other members of the class. Either commiserating about the difficulty level of the class or raving about the interesting aspects of the class are both adequate ways to meet the other class members without trying.

Just going about your everyday activities may result in you meeting new people without even trying. Most of the activities, including errands that you normally engage in are wonderful opportunities for meeting new people. The key though is to be approachable or you may wind up missing these opportunities. Sometimes, all it may take is a hello to get a conversation started and sometimes you may need to dig a little deeper and ask some thought provoking questions of yourself and the other person to really form a relationship.

Building a Secure Attachment Bond With Your Baby

Building a Secure Attachment Bond With Your Baby

PARENTING TIPS FOR CREATING A STRONG ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP

The secure attachment bond is the nonverbal emotional relationship between an infant and primary caregiver, defined by emotional responses to the baby's cues, as expressed through movements, gestures, and sounds. The success of this wordless relationship enables a child to feel secure enough to develop fully, and affects how he or she will interact, communicate, and form relationships throughout life. By understanding how you can better participate in this emotional interaction, you can ensure that your child has the best foundation for life.

What is the attachment bond?

The attachment bond is the unique emotional relationship between your baby and you as his or her primary caretaker. This wordless interactive emotional exchange draws the two of you together, ensuring that your infant will feel safe and be calm enough to experience optimal development of their nervous system. The attachment bond is a key factor in the way your infant's brain organizes itself and influences your child’s social, emotional, intellectual, and physical development.
The quality of the attachment bond varies. A secure bond provides your baby with an optimal foundation for life: eagerness to learn, healthy self-awareness, trust, and consideration for others. An insecure attachment bond, one that fails to meet your infant’s need for safety and understanding, can lead to confusion about his or her own identity and difficulties in learning and relating to others in later life.

Myths and facts about baby bonding and secure attachment 

Myth: “My baby is attached to me because I gave birth to him or her.”
  • Fact: Infants have independent nervous systems that may be different from yours. What makes you feel good may not be the same thing that makes your infant feel good. So unless you look and listen to your infant’s emotional cues, you won’t understand his or her individual needs.
Myth: “Secure attachment and love are the same thing.”
  • Fact: Bonding and attachment happen instinctively between mothers and babies, but, unfortunately, loving your baby doesn't automatically result in secure attachment. Secure attachment develops from your ability to manage your stress, respond to your baby's cues, and successfully soothe your infant.
Myth: “I am having a hard time reading my baby’s signs or nonverbal cues and I can’t always figure out what my baby wants, so he or she must not be securely attached.”
  • Fact: It is not possible or necessary to understand your baby’s emotional needs all the time in order to develop a secure attachment bond. As long as you recognize the disconnect and attempt a repair, the relationship will stay strong and may even grow stronger as a result of repairing the disconnect.
Myth: “Always responding to their needs makes babies spoiled.”
  • Fact: On the contrary, the more responsive you are to an infant’s needs, the less “spoiled” the baby will be as they get older. Bonding creates trust, and children with secure attachments tend to be more independent, not less.
Myth: “Babies can have a secure attachment bond with more than one person.”
  • Fact: Babies form a secure attachment with only one person – the person who spends the most time caring for them. However, they can bond or connect in a loving way with all those people who take care of them.
Myth: “Secure attachment is a one-way process that focuses on accurately reading my baby's cues.”
  • Fact: Attachment is a two–way, interactive process where your baby reads your cues as you read his or hers.

Why a secure attachment bond is important

The attachment process is interactive and dynamic. Both you and your baby participate in an exchange of nonverbal emotional cues that make your baby feel understood and safe. Even in the first days of life, your baby picks up on your emotional cues—your tone of voice, your gestures, and your emotions—and sends you signals by crying, cooing, mimicking facial expressions, and eventually smiling, laughing, pointing, and even yelling, too. In return, you watch and listen to your baby’s cries and sounds, and respond to their cues, at the same time as you tend to their need for food, warmth, and affection. Secure attachment grows out of the success of this nonverbal communication process between you and your baby.

Why a secure attachment bond is important to your baby
A secure attachment bond teaches your baby to trust you, to communicate their feelings to you, and eventually to trust others as well. As you and your baby connect with one another, your baby learns how to have a healthy sense of self and how to be in a loving, empathetic relationship.
Secure attachment causes the parts of your baby’s brain responsible for social and emotional development, communication, and relationships to grow and develop in the best way possible. This relationship becomes the foundation of your child’s ability to connect with others in a healthy way. Qualities that you may take for granted in adult relationships—like empathy, understanding, love, and the ability to be responsive to others—are first learned in infancy.

When babies develop a secure attachment bond, they are better able to:
  • Develop fulfilling intimate relationships
  • Maintain emotional balance
  • Feel confident and good about themselves
  • Enjoy being with others
  • Rebound from disappointment and loss
  • Share their feelings and seek support

Why a secure attachment bond is good for you, too

Nature has programmed mothers as well as their infants to have a “falling in love” experience through attachment. The joy you experience as you connect with your infant goes a long way to relieve fatigue from lack of sleep and the stress of learning how to care for your baby. The bonding process releases endorphins in your body that motivate you, give you energy, and make you feel happy. Creating a secure attachment with your infant may take a little effort, but the rewards are huge for both of you.

A secure attachment bond with your baby starts with taking care of yourself
Babies communicate most effectively when they are in a quiet and alert state, and so do you. As hard as it may be, it is important to take care of yourself in order to build a secure attachment bond with your infant.
  • Try to get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can make you cranky, listless, and irritable. Some parents have found it helpful to trade night duty (on for two nights, off for two nights), or to have at least one morning a week to sleep late.
  • Ask for support around the house. Especially in the newborn stages, get as much help as you can from your spouse, family, or friends.
  • Schedule some time away. Caring for a young infant is demanding, and taking some time away can help you parent more effectively. An hour in a coffee shop, a walk, a yoga class, or doing something you want to do can provide some perspective and renewed energy.
Finding ways to calm yourself in stressful times
Since babies can't communicate verbally, they are especially attuned to signs of anxiety or stress. Babies need outside help to calm down. But an anxious caregiver can actually add to the baby's stress, making him or her harder to soothe. If possible, when you are feeling stressed, try to find ways to calm down before you interact with your baby.
  • Take a deep breath. This may mean letting your baby cry a minute longer so that you can take a deep breath before picking your baby up and trying to soothe him or her.
  • Team up. Don’t think you have to do it all yourself. Try to enlist the help of your spouse, friends, family members, or a babysitter to help hold or care for your baby during fussy times of the day.
  • Take a walk. Fresh air and a change of scenery can do wonders for you and your baby. During particularly stressful times, try making a change in environment and see if it helps you and your baby calm down.

Parenting tips for creating a secure attachment bond

Secure attachment doesn’t happen overnight. It is an ongoing partnership between you and your baby. As time goes on, it will become easier to understand the cries, interpret the signals, and respond to your baby’s needs for food, rest, love, and comfort—try to be patient with yourself and your baby as you learn about each other.

Tip #1: Learn to understand your baby’s unique cues

Even though all of the sounds and cries may sound the same at first, your baby is communicating with you in different ways, using sound and movement. An arched back, a scrunched-up face, eyes tightly closed, fists curled up, rubbing eyes, hyperactive or frenetic movement—all of these signs communicate something specific about your baby’s emotional and physical state. Your task is to become a “sensory detective” and find out what your baby is communicating and how best to respond.
  • Watch your baby’s facial expressions and body movements for clues about sensory needs. For example, your baby may adjust body position or facial expression, or move his or her arms and legs in response to your voice, or to indicate he’s cold or needs to be held and cuddled.
  • Become familiar with the kinds of sounds your baby makes and what these sounds mean. For example, the "I'm hungry" sound may be a short, low-pitched cry, while the "I'm tired" sound may be a choppy wail.
  • Note the kind of touch your baby enjoys and the amount of pressure that he or she experiences as pleasurable. With almost every touch your newborn is learning about life. The more tender your touch, the more your baby will find the world a comforting place.
  • Pay attention to the kinds of movements, sounds, and environments your baby enjoys. Some babies are comforted by motion, such as rocking or being walked back and forth, while others respond to sounds like soft music, or a change of environment such as being carried outside.
Sometimes babies will be fussy no matter what you do, as when teething, sick, or undergoing a big developmental change. When this happens, keep up your efforts to communicate with and soothe your baby. Your patience, love, and care benefit your baby even if he or she continues to fuss.
Watch out for peer pressure from well-meaning family and friends. What worked for their baby may not work for yours. By learning what it takes to calm and soothe your baby, you initiate trust, and your baby begins the process of learning how to self soothe.

Tip #2: Eating and sleeping provide important opportunities

Many of your baby’s early signs and signals are about the need for food and proper rest. Increasing the frequency of feedings or adding in some extra time for rest where appropriate can make a big difference in your baby’s ability to engage and interact when awake.
Without proper rest, a baby cannot be calm and alert and ready to engage with you. Babies sleep a lot (often 16-18 hours a day in the first few months), and your baby’s sleep signals will come more often than you might expect. Often, babies who are overtired can act hyper-alert and move frenetically. You might mistake this energy for an invitation to engage, but really, it is your baby’s way of saying that naptime should have been 30 minutes ago.
Hunger will also be the cause of many early cues from your baby. Schedules are helpful, but growth spurts and developmental changes may cause your baby’s needs to change every few weeks so it is helpful to pay close attention to your baby’s unique signs and signals.

Tip #3: Talk, laugh, and play with your baby

The importance of having fun, playing with, holding, and sharing happiness with your baby cannot be overstated. Smiles, laughter, touch, and interaction are as important to a baby’s development as food or sleep. Your body language, tone of voice, and loving touch are all important ways of communicating with your baby.
When you see signs that your baby wants to play, try to relax and then enjoy exchanging smiles, funny faces, and happy coos with your baby. Toys, books, and music can provide a helpful starting point for play, but often all it takes is a game of peek-a-boo or a silly voice to invite your baby to interact. Infants  with an undeveloped nervous system can become exhausted very quickly, so watch for signs that your infant needs to withdraw from play because he or she has become over stimulated. If you feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to play with your baby, keep trying. Any discomfort or embarrassment should go away when you experience the joys of interacting with your child.

Tip #4: Let go of trying to be the “perfect” parent

 You don’t have to be a perfect parent all of the time in order to bond with your baby. Just do your best, and don’t worry if you don’t always know what your baby wants. What makes attachment secure, rather than insecure, is the quality and responsiveness of the interaction with your baby and a willingness to notice and repair a missed signal.

Secure attachment requires you to understand your baby’s cues one third of the time, not every time
You don't have to be perfect to have a secure attachment with your infant. As long as you notice when you have missed your infant’s cue and continue trying to figure out what your baby needs, the secure attachment process stays on track. In fact, the process of realizing there’s a disconnect between you and attempting to repair it may even strengthen the relationship you have with your infant.

Parenting is frequently touted as the hardest job you will ever do. It is amazing how one tiny being can be so much work. But no one is able to be fully present and attentive to an infant 24 hours a day. Every parent needs help and support in order to be relaxed, calm, and engaged.

Tip #5: Dads can be primary caretakers, too

In households where the mother is the breadwinner and dad stays at home, it is equally important for the father—as the infant's primary caretaker—to connect emotionally with his baby. The kind of multitasking required to care for a baby while simultaneously interconnecting emotionally with the infant can be harder for fathers (information travels more easily across the part of the brain known as the corpus callosum in women, making multitasking of this nature easier). However, with a little more effort, dads can still achieve the same results.
Dads, as the primary caretakers of their baby, can share activities that include:
  • Bottle feeding. Dad can form a special bond with his infant when handling feedings and diaper changes by looking into his baby’s eyes, smiling, and talking.
  • Talking, reading, or singing to your baby. Even though your baby doesn't understand what you're saying, hearing dad’s calm, reassuring voice conveys safety.
  • Playing peek-a-boo and mirroring your baby's movements.
  • Mimicking your baby's cooing and other vocalizations.
  • Holding and touching your baby as much as possible. Fathers can keep baby close by using a front baby carrier, pouch, or sling during daily activities.
  • Letting baby feel the different textures of dad's face.

Challenges that make a secure attachment bond with your baby more difficult

Ideally, a secure attachment bond develops without a hitch. But if either you or your baby is dealing with a problem that interferes with your ability to relax and focus on one another, a secure attachment bond can be delayed or interrupted.

Challenges in babies that can affect secure attachment

Most babies are born ready to connect to their caregivers, but sometimes babies have problems that get in the way of secure attachment. These include:
  • Babies with compromised nervous systems
  • Babies who experienced problems in the womb or in delivery
  • Babies with health problems at birth or at a very early age
  • Premature babies who spent time in intensive care
  • Babies who were separated from their primary caretakers at birth
  • Babies who have experienced a series of caretakers

The sooner more challenging problems are identified, the easier they are to correct. For help, you can turn to your pediatrician, an infant mental health specialist, or someone trained in early intervention.

Challenges in parents that can affect secure attachment

Parents who themselves did not experience a secure attachment bond when they were infants may have trouble emotionally connecting with their babies. Other challenges that can get in the way of your ability to bond with your baby include:
  • Depression, anxiety, or other emotional problems
  • Drug or alcohol problems
  • High levels of stress (from financial problems, lack of support, overwork, etc.)
  • An abusive, neglected, or chaotic childhood history
  • Living in an unsafe environment
  • Mainly negative memories of your own childhood experiences

Attachment and Adult Relationships

Attachment and Adult Relationships

How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships

Have you ever been in love? We all have, at least once. The attachment bond is the term for your first interactive love relationship—the one you had with your primary caregiver as an infant, usually your mother. This mother-child attachment bond shapes an infant's brain, profoundly influencing your self-esteem, your expectations of others, and your ability to attract and maintain successful adult relationships. By learning about attachment, you can build healthier, attuned relationships, and communicate more effectively.

Attachment, bonding and relationships

You were born preprogrammed to bond with one very significant person—your primary caregiver, probably your mother. Like all infants, you were a bundle of emotions—intensely experiencing fear, anger, sadness, and joy. The emotional attachment that grew between you and your caregiver was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. The bonding you experienced determined how you would relate to other people throughout your life, because it established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships.
Individuals who experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during their infancy often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This limits their ability to build or maintain successful relationships. Attachment—the relationship between infants and their primary caregivers—is responsible for:
  • shaping the success or failure of future intimate relationships
  • the ability to maintain emotional balance
  • the ability to enjoy being ourselves and to find satisfaction in being with others
  • the ability to rebound from disappointment, discouragement, and misfortune
Scientific study of the brain—and the role attachment plays in shaping it—has given us a new basis for understanding why vast numbers of people have great difficulty communicating with the most important individuals in their work and love lives. Once, we could only use guesswork to try and determine why important relationships never evolved, developed chronic problems, or fell apart. Now, thanks to new insights into brain development, we can understand what it takes to help build and nurture productive and meaningful relationships at home and at work.

What is the attachment bond?

The mother–child bond is the primary force in infant development, according to the attachment bond theory pioneered by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through worldwide scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology.
The attachment bond theory states that the relationship between infants and primary caretakers is responsible for:
  • shaping all of our future relationships
  • strengthening or damaging our abilities to focus, be conscious of our feelings, and calm ourselves
  • the ability to bounce back from misfortune
Research reveals the infant/adult interactions that result in a successful, secure attachment, are those where both mother and infant can sense the other’s feelings and emotions. In other words, an infant feels safe and understood when the mother responds to their cries and accurately interprets their changing needs. Unsuccessful or insecure attachment occurs when there is a failure in this communication of feelings.
Researchers found that successful adult relationships depend on the ability to:
  • manage stress
  • stay “tuned in” with emotions
  • use communicative body language
  • be playful in a mutually engaging manner
  • be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges
The same research also found that an insecure attachment may be caused by abuse, but it is just as likely to be caused by isolation or loneliness.
These discoveries offer a new glimpse into successful love relationships, providing the keys to identifying and repairing a love relationship that is on the rocks.

The attachment bond shapes an infant’s brain

For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic.
Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:
  • feel safe
  • develop meaningful connections with others
  • explore our world
  • deal with stress
  • balance emotions
  • experience comfort and security
  • make sense of our lives
  • create positive memories and expectations of relationships
Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

Insecure attachment affects adult relationships

Insecurity can be a significant problem in our lives, and it takes root when an infant’s attachment bond fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord. These insecurities may lead us to:
  • Tune out and turn off—If our parent is unavailable and self-absorbed, we may—as children—get lost in our own inner world, avoiding any close, emotional connections. As adults, we may become physically and emotionally distant in relationships.
  • Remain insecure—If we have a parent who is inconsistent or intrusive, it’s likely we will become anxious and fearful, never knowing what to expect. As adults, we may be available one moment and rejecting the next.
  • Become disorganized, aggressive and angry—When our early needs for emotional closeness go unfulfilled, or when a parent's behavior is a source of disorientation or terror, problems are sure to follow. As adults, we may not love easily and may be insensitive to the needs of our partner.
  • Develop slowly—Such delays manifest themselves as deficits and result in subsequent physical and mental health problems, and social and learning disabilities.

Causes of insecure attachment

Major causes of insecure attachments include:
  • physical neglect — poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, and neglect of medical issues
  • emotional neglect or emotional abuse — little attention paid to child, little or no effort to understand child’s feelings; verbal abuse
  • physical or sexual abuse — physical injury or violation
  • separation from primary caregiver — due to illness, death, divorce, adoption
  • inconsistency in primary caregiver — succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers
  • frequent moves or placements — constantly changing environment; for example: children who spend their early years in orphanages or who move from foster home to foster home
  • traumatic experiences — serious illnesses or accidents
  • maternal depression — withdrawal from maternal role due to isolation, lack of social support, hormonal problems
  • maternal addiction to alcohol or other drugs — maternal responsiveness reduced by mind-altering substances
  • young or inexperienced mother — lacks parenting skills

The lessons of attachment help us heal adult relationships

The powerful, life-altering lessons we learn from our attachment bond—our first love relationship—continue to teach us as adults. The gut-level knowledge we gained then guides us in improving our adult relationships and making them secure.
Lesson No. 1—adult relationships depend for their success on nonverbal forms of communication. Newborn infants cannot talk, reason or plan, yet they are equipped to make sure their needs are met. Infants don’t know what they need, they feel what they need, and communicate accordingly. When an infant communicates with a caretaker who understands and meets their physical and emotional needs, something wonderful occurs.
Relationships in which the parties are tuned in to each other’s emotions are called attuned relationships, and attuned relationships teach us that:
  • nonverbal cues deeply impact our love relationships
  • play helps us smooth over the rough spots in love relationships
  • conflicts can build trust if we approach them without fear or a need to punish
When we can recognize knee-jerk memories, expectations, attitudes, assumptions and behaviors as problems resulting from insecure attachment bonds, we can end their influence on our adult relationships. That recognition allows us to reconstruct the healthy nonverbal communication skills that produce an attuned attachment and successful relationships.

How to Find Lasting Love

How to Find Lasting Love

Dating tips for finding the right person

A healthy, loving relationship can enhance many aspects of your life, from your emotional and mental well-being to your physical health and overall happiness. But for many of us, finding someone we want to share our life with can seem like an impossible task. But don’t despair. Even if you have a history of relationships that don’t last or are burned out by traditional dating, you can still learn how to find lasting love.

Obstacles to finding lasting love

Life as a single person offers many rewards, including learning how to build a healthy relationship with yourself. However, if you’re ready to share your life with someone and want to build a lasting, worthwhile relationship, life as a single person can also be very frustrating.
Maybe you’re confused about why you seem to end up in relationships that don’t last, or perhaps you’re angry and wonder why you keep repeating the same bad choices when it comes to dating and forming relationships. Or maybe you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. Well, healthy relationships do exist. But few, if any, are perfect. They all require work, compromise, and a willingness to resolve conflict in a positive way.
To find and build any relationship worth keeping, you may need to start by re-assessing some of your misconceptions about dating and relationships that can prevent you from finding lasting love:

Common Myths About Dating and Looking for Love

Myth    
“I can only be happy and fulfilled if I’m in a relationship” or “It’s better to have a bad relationship than no relationship.”
   
Reality
While there are health benefits that come with being in a healthy relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being single, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in.” Being alone and being lonely are not the same. Nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.

Myth
“If I don’t feel an instant attraction to someone, it’s not a relationship worth pursuing.”
   
Reality
This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions change and deepen over time, and friends become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop.

Myth
“Women have different emotions to men.”
   
Reality
Women and men feel similar things but express their feelings differently, often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.

Myth
“True love is constant” or “Physical attraction fades over time.”
   
Reality
Love is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones but emotion influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion can become stronger over time.

Myth
“I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about someone.”
   
Reality
You can’t change anyone. People only change if and when they want to change.

Myth
“I didn’t feel close to my parents, so intimacy is always going to be uncomfortable for me.”
   
Reality
It’s never too late to change any pattern of behavior. Over time, and with enough effort, you can change the way you think, feel, and act.

Myth
“Disagreements always create problems in a relationship.”
   
Reality
Conflict doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. With the right resolution skills, conflict can also be an opportunity for growth in a relationship.

Expectations about dating and finding love

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often unrealistic) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows. However, retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

Consider what's really important when looking for love

The first step to finding a suitable partner is to distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not. Needs are those things that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at a bar.
Wants include the things you think you’d like in a partner, including occupation, intellect, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits may appear to be crucially important to you at first, over time you’ll often find that you’ve been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more important, or at least as important, to find someone who is:
  • Curious rather than extremely intelligent. Curious people tend to grow smarter over time, while those who are bright may languish intellectually if they lack curiosity.
  • Sensual rather than super sexy.
  • Caring rather than drop-dead beautiful or handsome.
  • A little mysterious rather than very glamorous.
  • Humorous rather than wealthy and witty.
  • From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific ethnic or social background.

Tip1: Keep things in perspective

  • Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. It will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special.
  • Remember that first impressions aren't always reliable. Especially when it comes to Internet dating, people don’t always accurately portray themselves. Regardless of where or how you meet someone, though, it always takes time to really get to know that person. You have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations, some good and some not so good, before you really know him or her. How well does this person hold up under pressure when things don't go well or when they're tired, frustrated, or hungry, for example?
  • Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has them and for a relationship to last you want someone to love you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be. In many cases, what you consider a flaw may be something another person finds very appealing. In any case, by being honest and shedding pretense you’ll encourage the other person to do the same, which can lead to a fulfilling relationship.
  • Invest in a vertical relationship before you invest in a horizontal relationship. Don't be too quick to make a relationship sexual as it often becomes harder to develop a good vertical relationship afterwards. Take your time to get to know someone first.

Tip2: Put a priority on having fun

Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services such as speed dating may prove successful and enjoyable for some people, but for many they lack any kind of spontaneity and often feel more like high-pressure job interviews than fun social occasions. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.
Think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to meet new people, expand your social circle, and participate in new events. Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, find and participate in activities that interest you. You don’t have to be the life of the party but just by putting yourself in a new environment, you might meet interesting new people. Even if you don’t meet that special someone, you will still have enjoyed yourself and maybe forged new friendships.
  • Volunteer for a favorite charity, animal shelter, or political campaign. Or even try a volunteer vacation (for details see Resources section below).
  • Take an extension class at a local college or university.
  • Sign up for dance classes, cooking classes, or art classes.
  • Join a running club, hiking group, cycling group, or sports team.
  • Join a theater group, film group, or attend a panel discussion at a museum.
  • Find a local book group or photography club.
  • Attend local food and wine tasting events or art gallery openings.
  • Write a list of activities available in your area and, with your eyes closed, randomly put a pin in one, even if it’s something you would never normally consider. How about pole dancing, origami, or lawn bowling? Getting out of your comfort zone can be rewarding in itself.

Tip3: Learn to handle rejection gracefully

At some point, everyone looking for love is going to have to deal with rejection—both as the person being rejected and the person doing the rejecting. Some people can be overcome with anger, embarrassment, or anxiety when faced with rejection, or are so frightened of it happening again, they avoid dating or starting new relationships. Others find it so difficult to reject another person, they find themselves caught up in prolonged, unhealthy relationships.
By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less intimidating. The key is to accept that rejection is an inevitable part of dating but to not spend too much time worrying about it. It’s never fatal.

Tips for handling rejection when dating and looking for love
  • Don’t take it personally. If you’re rejected after one or a few dates, the other person doesn’t is likely only rejecting you for superficial reasons you have no control over—some people just prefer blondes to brunettes, chatty people to quiet ones—or because they are unable to overcome their own issues, such as a fear of commitment. Be grateful for rejection early in a relationship, it can spare you much more pain down the road.
  • Don’t dwell on it, but learn from the experience. Don’t beat yourself up over any mistakes you think you made. If it happens repeatedly, though, take a moment to reflect on how you relate to others, and any problems you need to work on. Then let it go. By dealing with rejection in a healthy way it can increase your strength and resilience.
  • Acknowledge your feelings. It’s often normal to feel a little hurt, resentful, disappointed, or even sad when faced with rejection. Acknowledge your feelings without trying to suppress them. If you practice mindfulness, you’ll find that staying in touch with your feelings helps you quickly move on from negative experiences.

Tip4: Watch for relationship red flags

If you're dating or in the early stages of a romance, it's important to be aware of red flag behaviors that may indicate this relationship will not lead to a healthy, lasting love. In such cases, it's better to cut your losses early, rather than invest time in a relationship that isn't good for you. Trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel. If you tend to feel insecure, ashamed, or undervalued, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Common relationship red flags:
  • The relationship is alcohol dependent. You only communicate well—have fun, talk, make love—when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances.
  • There’s trouble making a commitment. For some people commitment is much more difficult than others. It's harder for them to trust others or to understand the benefits of a long-term relationship because of previous experiences or an unstable home life growing up.
  • Nonverbal communication is off between you. Instead of wanting to connect with you, the other person’s attention is on other things such as texting or watching TV.
  • Jealousy about outside interests. One partner doesn’t like the other spending time with friends and family members outside the relationship.
  • Controlling behavior. There is a desire on the part of one person to control the other, stop him or her from having independent thoughts and feelings.
  • The relationship is exclusively sexual. There is no interest in the other person other than a physical interest. A meaningful and fulfilling relationship depends on more than just good sex.
  • No one-on-one time. One partner only wants to be with the other as part of a group of people. If there’s no desire to spend quality time alone with you, outside of the bedroom, it can signify a greater issue.

Tip5: Nurture your budding relationship

Remember that finding the right person is just the beginning of the journey, not the destination. In order to move from casual dating to a committed, loving relationship, you need to nurture that new connection. It's a process that requires time, effort, and a genuine interest in the other person as a whole. It also requires an openness to compromise and change.
All relationships change over time. You’ll change over time, your partner will change, and so will your needs and expectations. What you want from a relationship at the beginning may be very different from what you and your partner want from that same relationship a few months or years down the road.
For a romantic relationship to blossom into lasting love you need to be willing and able to:
  • Invest in the relationship. No relationship will run smoothly without regular attention, so ask yourself if you are willing to invest the time and effort into this relationship. Often, after the initial blush of romance has faded, couples switch off from one another, but the more you invest in each other, the more you grow to care. Find things you enjoy doing together and commit to spending the time to do them, even when you’re busy or stressed.
  • Communicate openly. Is your partner interested in your thoughts and feelings? Are you comfortable expressing your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings around this person? Are you playful, open, and able to laugh together? Your partner is not a mind reader, so tell him or her how you feel. When you both feel comfortable expressing your needs, fears, and desires, the bond between you will become stronger and deeper.
  • Resolve conflict by fighting fair. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. But you shouldn’t be fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe to express the things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and to be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on being right.
  • Accept change. Every relationship goes through changes and good and bad periods, but overall a healthy relationship should continue to be good for you. It should bring the best out in you and should not only make you happier, but also make you a better person: kinder, more empathic, and more generous.

Tips for Building Romantic Relationships

Tips for Building Romantic Relationships

A strong, healthy relationship can be one of the best supports in your life. Good relationships improve all aspects of your life, strengthening your health, your mind, and your connections with others. However, if the relationship isn't working, it can also be a tremendous drain. Relationships are an investment. The more you put in, the more you can get back. These tips can help keep a healthy relationship strong, or repair trust and love in a relationship on the rocks.

How to strengthen your romantic relationship and make love last

Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:

What makes a healthy love relationship?

    Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence,
    but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable
    on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you
    need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer
    be there.

    Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their
    voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be
    fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of
    retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on
    being right.

    Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our
    needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on
    a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social
    network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.

    Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When
    both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears and desires, trust and bonds
    are strengthened. Critical to communication are nonverbal cues—body language like
    eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm.

Tip 1: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed.

Keep physical intimacy aliveStudies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch­—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.

Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.

Tip 2: Spend quality time together

You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding start to erode.

Simple ways to connect as a couple and rekindle love
  • Commit to spending quality time together on a regular basis. Even during very busy and stressful times, a few minutes of really sharing and connecting can help keep bonds strong.
  • Find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.
  • Try something new together. Doing new things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place you’ve never been before.
Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress and work through issues more easily.

Focus on having fun together
  • Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite movie home unexpectedly.
  • Learn from the “play experts” together. Playing with pets or small children can really help you reconnect with your playful side. If it’s something you do together, you also learn more about your partner and how he or she likes to have fun.
  • Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when you approach them with humor.

Learning how to play again

A little humor and playful interaction can go a long way in relieving tense situations and helping you see the brighter side. If you’re feeling a little rusty, learn more about how playful communication can improve your relationship, and fun ways to practice this skill.

Tip 3: Never stop communicating

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Learn your partner’s emotional cues

Never stop communicatingEach of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.

So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you understand better what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you insist “I’m fine”, while clenching your teeth and looking away, your body is clearly signaling you are not.

Question your assumptions

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind-reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding and anger.

Use your senses to keep stress in check

If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be able to communicate effectively. The best way to reduce stress quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Tip 4: Healthy relationships are built on give and take

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. However, it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly giving to others at the expense of your own needs builds resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while younger, or it could be years of accumulated resentment in the relationship reaching a boiling point. It’s alright to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs, and compromise when you can.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.

  • Make sure you are fighting fair.
  • Don’t attack someone directly but use “I” statements to communicate how you feel.
  • Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
  • Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person.
Tip 5: Expect ups and downs

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.
Relationship advice for getting through life’s ups and downs

    Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered.
    If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to vent with your partner, and
    even feel safer to snap at him or her. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release,
    but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.

    Some problems are bigger than both of you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more
    problems. Every person works through problems and issues in his or her own way.
    Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through
    the rough spots.

    Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it
    or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any
    relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.

    Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important
    to face them together as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply
    ignore it but address it with your partner. Things change, so respond to them together as
    they do.

Romantic relationships require ongoing attention

Many couples focus on their relationship only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your attention and effort.

If you need more romantic relationship help and advice

Sometimes problems in a relationship may seem too complex or overwhelming for a couple to handle on their own. In that case, it’s important to reach out together for help. There are a number of options available, including:

  • Couples counseling. You might be considering couples counseling or marriage counseling. It’s a big investment, and time, energy, focus and commitment are needed from both people to make a difference. Both parties need to be willing and able to honestly communicate what you need, face issues arising in counseling and make changes. It’s important also that both people feel comfortable with the counselor.
  • Spiritual advice. Some couples benefit from spiritual advice from a religious figure such as a pastor or rabbi. This tends to work best if both persons have similar convictions of faith and have a good relationship with the spiritual advisor.
  • Emotional Intelligence building. Try using Helpguide's Bring Your Life into Balance mindfulness toolkit, a free utility for building emotional health and emotional intelligence. This in-depth course provides articles, videos, and audio meditations designed to help you put the skills of emotional intelligence and communication into practice.
  • Individual therapy. Sometimes one person may need specialized help. For example, someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one may need counseling to help them process the grief. If your loved one needs help, don’t feel like you are a failure for not providing them everything they need. No one can fulfill everyone’s needs, and getting the right help can make a tremendous difference in your relationship.